Cryptkeeper William Shakespeare Short Story #1: Horror Parody, Classic Monsters, Nosferatu DJ, & Movie Hosts

*(Hello, my fiends. I'm the Narrator. Welcome to a tale of late-night screams meet late-night laughs in this campy, creepy, & comically cursed horror short from the Tales of the Cryptkeeper William Shakespeare Universe. Grab your garlic, salt circles, & ironic trench coats because horror’s most hilariously unholy hosts, Cryptkeeper Shakespeare **(a.k.a. the Thespian-boob)** & the eternally ghoulish Dr. Paula Bearer, **(my long time non-ghoulfriend)** are taking center stage to introduce you to their latest terrifying tale from the vaults of midnight madness: Tales of the Macabre!)*

*(This isn’t your grandma’s **(nor mine, though, I do love my grams)** gothic horror; it’s a deranged blend of Scooby-Doo sleuthing, Kolchak: The Night Stalkerparanoia, & War of the Worlds *(the Tom Cruise running-and-screaming version)* mayhem, all wrapped in a parody-laced shroud of graveyard giggles & ghostly groans.)*

*(When a small, cursed town called Mournville starts experiencing an outbreak of interdimensional flatulence **(I'll be honest, this story has nothing to do with the town or flatulence)**, the veil between the natural & supernatural tears wide open. Shadow creatures spill through, residents vanish into pockets of haunted air, & an old radio tower begins broadcasting a cryptic War of the Worlds-style warning on a loop… but only to dogs & conspiracy theorists who can’t wait to watch Stranger Things Season 5. **(I’m serious. The story has nothing to do with any of that. Who wrote this synopsis?)** )*

*(The only hope? A ragtag group of misfit ghost hunters, a retired fog machine operator, & a sentient VHS tape possessed by the spirit of Vincent Price’s hair. **(I’m still lying cause I’m dying... er... all ready undead.)** )*

*(Meanwhile, Cryptkeeper Shakespeare still reeling from being cursed by Macbeth's three witches for "misusing iambic pentameter” & the venomously vampish Dr. Paula Bearer provide commentary, cackles, & chaotic commercial breaks. Think Mystery Science Theater 3000 if it got drunk on holy water & summoned a so cute puppy just for fun.)*

*(You can NOT expect: Paranormal poltergeists with bad Yelp reviews; Lovecraftian lunch ladies; Shakespeare quoting Edgar Allan Poe while wearing a fog machine as a cape; chase scene eerily reminiscent of Scooby-Doo, complete with ghostly hallway gags; alien invasion that’s really just bad customer service; Found footage of a possessed kittens movie marathon; & final twist so bizarre it’ll make your EMF reader explode with laughter. **(Yep, none of those things are in the short story.)** )*

*(You can expect... possibly... a weak maybe... the Macabre to the Absurd: Inspired by classic horror hosts of the late-night golden era, Tales of the Macabre is a loving roast of every creepy cliché, paranormal trope, & pop culture horror staple from the last fifty years. Whether you’re a die-hard fan of Kolchak: The Night Stalker or just love watching Tom Cruise run from apocalyptic doom, this story takes everything you know about horror… & gleefully shoves it into a haunted blender. **(Soon... a medium size maybe... I will get to what the short story is actually about.)** )*

*(Yes! Yes! Perfect For Fans Of:

Campy horror-comedy & parody

Classic horror TV nostalgia

Paranormal satire

Found footage gone wrong

Horror hosts like Elvira, Svengoolie, & The Crypt Keeper

Ghost stories that don’t take themselves too seriously

Midnight movie monsters with questionable dental hygiene)*

*(So dim the lights, clutch your crucifix-shaped popcorn bucket, & prepare for a tale so terrifyingly funny, it’ll make your Ouija board spit milk out its nose. !Tales of the Macabre: because even the undead need a laugh after midnight!)*

*(Almost forgot. Short story is about Cryptkeeper Shakespeare, Dr. Paula Bearer, Director Tibia, the foxy-bat, Bob the Blob, & Poor Yorick in a little tiny yarn about something that happened within the Tales of the Cryptkeeper William Shakespeare Universe.)*